Stop Poking, Start Forking

Not to get emotional about this but where’s the romance? Where’s Mr Darcy striding through the meadow to ravish me…He’s hiding behind modern social media tools to protect himself from potential commitment/judgement/rejection/STD’s. It’s a little weird, let’s be honest, when a guy you had a brief ‘thing’ with out of the blue pokes you. What does this mean? Has he been fraped? What’s an appropriate time to reply? Do I poke back or write back? The poke, ladies and gents, is not your friend.

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There are two types of poke, Poke A: The Stranger, expect this poke after uploading a particularly successful selfie sesh. This poke can be dispatched by varying degrees of stranger; Stage yellow; the guy you met in your first year stats tutorial who you haven’t spoken to since, best to just pretend this never happened and continue avoiding eye contact in the library. Stage Amber; a male you share mutual friends with but have never had the displeasure of meeting, he’s a stage five creeper; ignore the poke, and any following friend requests. Stage Red; A full on Facebook lurker, no mutual friends, a previous private mail in which he compliments your ‘beautiful ocean eyes’, be liberal with the block button for this kiddo. The stranger poke has become somewhat of a modern cat call; best policy is to keep on walking, ain’t no one got time for potential paedophile pokes. Abort mission and review your privacy settings.

Poke B is a different beast altogether, oh Poke B, it reads like an awkward mash-up of previous conquests. Mental note, if he slept with you six months ago, then blanked you, and then poked you, he’s probably bad news. Not in a leather jacket and stubble bad boy way, in a he-has-issues and is just generally socially inept way. Don’t reply. If he wants to talk to you he’ll talk to you, with words. Then there’s the ‘accidental’ poke, boys think we aren’t wise to this clever little move. I’m gonna crack the code- he thinks you’re a wetser, but he’s too scared to initiate any actual conversation, online or in person, so the poke acts as a tester. If you poke back a poke war, eventual conversation and perhaps more may ensue. If you don’t he knows you aren’t interested and moves on with his wallflower lil’ life. There’s also the we-scored-last-night poke, this is wildly positive and follows the same reasoning as shy guy above, and if you poke this lad back you’re confirming your interest. Then of course, of course, the what-the-f**k poke, usually your former squeeze, he’s too scared to talk to you but he misses you… Don’t poke back; it’s a virtual index finger in the wrong direction.

In an age of tinder intangible romance I’m standing up to say; I’m bored with virtual flirtations, questionable likes and ambiguous pokes. If you want to talk to a girl then go talk to her, if it doesn’t work out move on, life is too short to spend questioning someone’s emoji reply.

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Girls Like Sex Too

‘She brings someone home every weekend’, what a slut, ‘He brings someone home every weekend’ what a legend. I’m sorry, did society have a brain fart or what? I’m over this ‘she’s a slut’ versus ‘he’s the man’ when we’re looking at the exact same scenario.

Why is it that Irish women who bop on with casual sex are considered loose and tainted, but when our male counterparts do the same they’re welcomed back as heroes? It could be our Catholic guilt? White wedding syndrome? Or we could just be seriously, seriously backward… Irish guys are having a grand ole time, but us girls are ruining our own fun.

How about the next time your bestie reveals she went home with the library hottie after Krystle you high-five that hunzo. High-five her and leave your shocked gasps where they belong, the back of mass. Now I’m not encouraging disrespecting yourself, no appearances on ‘Best Nightclub Photos’ please… But get rid of the guilt. If you want to have sex then go do it. Be smart, be safe. But stop guilt tripping, this isn’t a bad thing. We’ve been having sex since the caves ladies, its nothing new. And last time I checked sex was supposed to be fun! For girls and guys, advice has come a long long way from ‘lie back and think of England’.

Faking headaches is surely the creation of a man, we like sex. Women in their twenties actually want to have sex.  So if we could all just stop judging each other and let nature take its course then we’d all be a lot happier, and certainly a lot more satisfied. Channel your inner Samantha Jones, revolutionize your sex life, revolutionize your approach to men. Stop being a shy wee wallflower, if you want him go get him. No really, stop hiding behind Snapchat and actually be productive about it.

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A lot of my girlfriends are fearful of the phrase ‘she’s so easy’- ummm you’re so lucky that she decided to entertain you. You have to set your own level of respect, I’m not saying don’t make them boyos work for it, but don’t feel like you have to stick to a ‘3rd Date’ rule. Make your own rules. Its your body, its your sex life, don’t try to squish it into fitting into a made-up structure.

What are we scared of? STDS-use a condom. Your reputation- don’t kiss and tell. Other girls- probably just jealous. What we’re scared of is running into ourselves somewhere out there in the abyss of sexual exploration. We’re in our twenties and we’re scared of who we are, we’re scared of our identity, in the bedroom and beyond. Honey boo boo, stop being scared, you’ll never find yourself if you don’t live a little. Not every girl feels exploring this avenue is important to reaffirming her identity, more power to you girlo, if its not your adventure that’s cool. But don’t judge the girls that do.

Get the ride- not the guilt.

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I Don’t Want a Cat

Now don’t misunderstand me, I like cats, I follow instakitten, I’m all over the fluffy cuteness. But what I’m not loving is the worrying trend among Irish women. Single=Sad. No. I’m single and I’m not sad, being single is empowering.There is a frightening epidemic curling itself around my friends, this pressure to have a serious relationship, to have a man in their lives. I’m sorry bugs, but I’m not buying it. This is our time, dance, sing, order another shot. Life is for living and creating yourself, not for waiting for a boy to do it for you. We are getting opportunities our mothers didn’t, and things are grandmothers never would have dreamed of are suddenly tangible.

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I’m not a bad-ass, I’m not hard or bitter, I’m a marshmallow. I love being in love. I love cutesiness and cuddles. But I love me more. If I settle now in my early twenties then what else will I settle on? My career? My dreams? Umm how about no? How about I argue with every one of my single girlfriends when they say ‘I need a boyfriend’? We don’t need boyfriends we need progression. Travel, education, things that bring you happiness.

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                                               I urge you to travel-YES

This decade is ours, don’t focus on fellas, focus on yourself. I think we all need a little kick in the arse ladies. Stop wondering if the boy from Coppers is going to text you and start googling internships. Don’t put yourself on standstill in the hopes of having a regular shift, choose paths for you, choose places for you, choose for yourself. I’m not willing to lose myself to gain a guy, and this is what’s bothering me when I hear cat lady jokes. We all know the girl who’s cut herself off from her friends to focus solely on her boyfriend, the girl who doesn’t seem happy but is fighting, fighting, fighting for that boy to be in her life. At some stage we’ve been that girl. This isn’t ok.

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                                 USA 2013, learning things. Tequila things.

Don’t be scared of being alone, be scared of being with someone who makes you feel alone. Go see things, go be things. I want to see elephants, not cats. Who’s with me?

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Did Our Parents Settle?

While strolling into town with my housemate last night we shared our current boy dramas, a standard enough conversation, one which actually occurs daily. And as we empathized, laughed and shook our heads a question occurred to me; Did our parents generation simply settle? My own parents are completely happy after nearly twenty five years of marriage, but are they the exception? Did the majority of their generation just get married because they felt they had to?

don't settle

The reality is that we as young strong women have literally no idea what to expect from relationships, when are we expecting too much, when are we expecting too little? These answers can be pieced together by our Irish experiences of relationships and also by the filtration of the media into our everyday lives. As a country Ireland is still tentative about the subject of divorce. Divorce is still a strange idea in Irish public forum, with archaic administration and lengthy legislation dragging the process out. Divorce banishes the idea that people are together forever, and we are the first generation of young Irish women to have divorce be such a tangible reality.

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Growing up during the rise of Celtic Tiger Ireland has left us with some confused ideas, we were the first generation given the gift of endless opportunity, we could be whatever we liked when we grew up, there were no limits, the world was our oyster, until the economy collapsed and it all suddenly went very very dark. This naive hopefulness has spilled over to our personal lives, we expect fireworks, princesses and unicorns when we set our sights on a relationship. What we are faced with is probably best described as jigsaw pieces that simply don’t fit. Should we abandon our hope and simply settle on the best frog we’ve kissed? Is this the recession buster solution to our relationships?

celtic tiger

Its no secret that films, books, magazines, and now even social media are projecting to us what to expect from relationships. The ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus‘ and ‘He’s Just Not That Into You‘ debates pull and push our expectations. We shouldn’t expect a man to understand us… but we should also consider that he’s refusing to listen to us… not because he doesn’t care but because men can’t help us because they don’t understand… but maybe he does understand but he just doesn’t care… because maybe he’s not interested in you in the first place. Confusing? Yes!

men are from mars

he's just not that into you

Maybe there is no such thing as The One or Prince Charming. This is initially disappointing, but then I start to see that maybe this makes life a little easier. Maybe I don’t have to wait for the fanfare, maybe I let go of my Disney expectations of relationships. But I feel a sense of nostalgia, I want to ride off into the sunset, isn’t that what I was promised? By giving up on this am I already settling?

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Every Girl? Perfect wedding, perfect man, fact or fiction? 

This is certainly a big can of worms, pass me a glass of wine and tell me your thoughts on this!

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